How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Published on Apr 12, 2018
The first 500 people to click this link will get a 2 month free trial of Skillshare: skl.sh/tsol3
People-pleasing behavior, while ostensibly pleasant, causes enormous difficulties for us, especially in relationships and in love. We need to grow better able to disappoint others, and to stop fearing calamity when we do so.
For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: bit.ly/2GWIpTN
Join our mailing list: bit.ly/2e0TQNJ
Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: bit.ly/2v7etmz
Download our App: bit.ly/2JGOpBZ
FURTHER READING
“Being someone who pleases people sounds, on the face of it, like a very good idea. But it is a pattern of behaviour riddled with problems, as much for the perpetrator as for their audience; the people-pleaser is someone (who might at times be oneself) who feels they have no option but to mould themselves to the expectations of others, and yet, harbours all manner of secret and at points dangerous reservations and resentments. They act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are far darker; they give their assent to plans they hate; and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express, in due time, with the requisite courage, their authentic needs and ambitions...”
You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: bit.ly/2JDQ0sh
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Visit us in person at our London HQ: bit.ly/2GRZJNU
Watch more films on SELF in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLself
You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: us-tv.org/username-timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2
Find out how more here: support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB

SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Download our App: bit.ly/2JGOpBZ
Facebook: facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/
Twitter: twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife
Instagram: instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/

CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Marcie LaCerte
marslizard.net/ #TheSchoolOfLife

Comments

  • Are you a people pleaser? Let us know in the comments below or on our app: bit.ly/2JFp7Ev

    • No I like myself, I have too much to time to please others

    • Yes, I am and please I need help to overcome and remove this behavior. 😢😢😢 Because there is part of my mind and my heart who is saying that I still want to please for my broken relationship to my ex-gf. 🙁 However there is also a part of me who is fighting to let go already.

    • Your voice sounds like a people pleaser.

    • Yes and it's awful. I have to hide my personal needs and wants, and other people's needs are my priority. It sucks because I might want to stay home and read a book or draw but if a friend asks me "Can we go out today" I have to say yes.A girl has been Flirting with me lately, and I don't like her (I'm also gay) but I don't want to hurt her, so everytime she asks for a hug or she wants me to call her... I have to... I don't like this, If I had a penny for every time I said yes instead of what I really wanted to say, I would be a millionaire

    • The School of Life Very much. But it's best to be yourself, not someone else. Thanks for spreading the wisdom of life.

  • I was married to a people pleaser. She was weak and always tried to hide her true feelings. To do that she had to lie and sneak around with affairs and money issues.

  • My ex cheated on every single boyfriend in her life because of that mentality. This shit really can destroy the life of a person and a loved one.

  • Dis made me cry hard

  • Obama should look at this

  • Awesome video! :) Another sign of people-pleasing is overcommitment. I suffered from what I call “The Wonder Woman Syndrome”- I wanted to be everything and do everything for everyone, and expected to get it all right the first time! I had the problem of not being able to say “no”-mostly to myself! For those who have trouble saying No to others, Backbone Power The Science of Saying No, does exactly that. The authors direct “no holds barred” approach will undoubtedly touch a raw nerve for many who read her book. amzn.to/2BZUAPD This is a good thing! If you have the courage to look at yourself honestly and reflect on why you “fold like a pack of cards” every time a situation that presents the slightest hint of conflict or requires self-assertion comes your way, I believe this book will help you. It is an easy read in the sense that you can easily finish it in a few hours of continuous reading.

  • Title is misleading. More informed us of what a ppl pleaser is. Not how to stop

  • Thanks for sharing 🙏🏻

  • Just learn to say no! Don't be nice. Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself or talk back.

  • 💔😓

  • My mother, right there, she's done it to me... Now I can't even openly say when I like a girl

  • This video is on point.

  • thank you!

  • I recently discovered that I am a people pleaser.my father is really an amzing person and so is my mother but then they are not just people too.They did not possess any parenting skills to deal with the sensitive emotional mind that i had.i hated the fact that i was emotional becuase tears and crying is seen as a sign of weakness .While in reality I used to cry because of all the stress i felt .because tears are a way of releasing stress.i still am learning to complet3ly embrace myself.to accept that being fat is ok,to accept that tears are ok,to accept that showing your emtions to the "big bad world" is ok.I used to avoid confronting anyone.so even as a teenager,when everyone around me was experimetning with make up,i just didn't.because i knew how my mother viewed beauty as being a waste of time .i never confronted her.i avoided difficult uncomfrtable situtations at all cost,well i still do,but having this realistion just change your life.i have always tried to make others feel comfortable at the cost of being uncomfortable.this self made cage is has suffocated me till now.i am learning to take baby steps towards bettering myself.because let's face it i can only please myself.People will cme and go .the only person who is forever is you yourself.so please don't et otjers opinion bother u the way it bothered me.because at 21 ,i regret not living to my fullest till now.all these years wasted .wasted on people who will not and cannot always understand me .

  • I've been a people pleaser basically all my life. But I don't do it to make others happy. I do it out of fear of how they will respond towards me, which I guess says a lot about my childhood. I'm always scared if I don't go along I will be hated, abandoned, ridiculized, judged, that they will get the wrong idea of me forever, or will be angry at me and I can't stand that feeling. I'm terrified of even upsetting a stranger, even if I never see them again. It is something that has affected me my whole life, leaving me feeling powerless and resentful. People usually take advantage of me or disrespect me because they know I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. This always leaves me with inmense regret for all the things I could have said or done differently to defend myself. This also hurts my self esteem and confidence. And it sucks because the only thing I know to do to protect myself is to close down and not open up to people, and even though it saves me the trouble of being used it also leaves me feeling very lonely and like something is wrong with me. But when I do open up even a little bit my trust is usually broken and there I am back again at square one, building my walls back up. I just feel like I need to protect myself from the entire world, I'm scared of being unpleseantly myself. This is the reason why I don't have any friends and have also never dated anyone. I'm only close to my family members because I have learned to stop trying to please them lol. Man, I don't know why I'm pouring out like this in a comment section, but this video really opened my eyes. I'll do my best to change this and finally be happy, even if that upsets others.

  • "◔ ◔¨ * ..yes ;;';

  • We hang with the wrong people for more than a quarter of our lives... needlessly or than they are simply unhappy at themselves and look for external approval. Love yourself better, begin to make better choices for yourselves. This gives greater freedom and pleasure. See all that is unexpected as a "learning". It is for greater freedom of self. X

  • Is this Alain de Botton speaking on the video? Love his lectures

  • "Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, a dose of unwelcome information or occasional rejection delivered with requisite politeness." Ummm... no. Not in my experience. I'm in my late thirties and I've encountered too many people who were like my parents (= taking disagreement as personal attack on their intelligence, gaslighting me, clinging to their inherited worldview and overreacting when I don't fit into it). And don't get me started on polite rejection... I'd say that most people are actually pretty sensitive about the things you've listed. I know I've spent my adult life so far trying to unlearn this selfish kind of sensitivity and not enable it in others.

  • I've been one, and I'm glad no more. Maybe 10%, okay 20, but the 80% of it is gone, and the 20% is leaving slowly as well. It's a challenge to grow out of childhood conditioning but with consistent actions, it becomes an easy one.

  • People pleasers have no real friends or will have no friends. I speak from experience.

  • I'm such a people pleaser Ill wipe your ass for you

  • It's hard to say I'm all people pleaser but I'm rather a pleaser to whom I care for or live with after many bad experiences and being left out or hated all of these lies I say in order to keep them happy, my true self is awful stupid annoying and worthless the moment I think it's ok to be myself I can see resentment of my family and friends and it's hurt I try to speak my mind yet everyone like _everyone_ shoot back at me for having poorly thoughtful opinions and stupid ideas so I agree with them or stay silent to end this arguement faster If I acted silly when telling a joke like changing my voice tone I get harsh replies of being loud and immature and if I made a mistake out of stupidity I'll never be forgiven easily until I feel like a trash, In conversations I'm always interrupted and ignored The things I have passion about is stupid and ugly for them and I'm annoying for keep talking about these things even when they said they aren't interested already, This happened through my whole life with different friends over the years that I started to please everyone so I wont be alone or ridiculed It's painful to keep replying the same circle with anyone you wish to hold dear only for them to hate you -and I don't blame them I am horrible-so pleasing them and apologising always sounds the right thing to do until you cant pull out of the hole you buried yourself in

  • Oh my Gooooooood

  • this is very firm for a British person! haha haha

  • Can one be pleased to have drama in their life yet want it to get solved

  • This is me before (not sure if I'm still like that). And one thing that people don't know about being people-pleaser is that it's painfully hard to be one. Yeah I know, you can say "Oh if it's that hard, why still do it"? Because there's this voice in my head that says whenever I do something that will displease others, it will as if people will start to leave me and not like me and I'll end up being alone with no friends anymore. So you're literally battling with that 'voice' and your own feelings. I think this stemmed from my childhood. My mom and dad were always busy at work when I was a kid (which I don't mind really cause they're doing it to make a living in which I understand and I love them no matter what) so I basically grew up with a nanny. My nanny is an old lady with a mother-like figure; so it felt like she was our second mom. And I had a younger sister. My nanny would always make me feel as if she hates me for unknown reasons (as a kid it's kinda hard to accept it). My nanny always grew fond of my younger sister, she's her favorite and it felt as if I didn't get all the love that I deserve as a kid. I constantly find myself always being nice to other people, always tending to other people's needs, always agreeing etc. because if not, my nanny won't love me; worst she might not even notice me. So I grew up thinking that people won't love or like me if I won't be nice. I remembered there was a time at grade school, I was out with my 'friends'. We were playing at the playground. They all played at the slide. I was about to jump in but they told me 'Oh can you hold our stuff for awhile?'. Being young and people pleaser that time, I couldn't say no. Couldn't even say that I would like to play with them. So I literally stood at the side, guarding their stuff while they were happily played at the playground. Even now, I still remember how awful it felt like. But they like me right? That was what I thought. But I was wrong. Fast forward to highschool; in highschool, I was still people pleaser. I thought everyone like me because I'm nice. Turns out, they just need me because they know I won't say no to everyone that they'll be saying. Without me knowing, some people are actually gossiping and maybe mocking me telling me how 'gullible' I am (I don't know in your country, but being called 'gullible' equates to being 'stupid'). Life is hard. I was suicidal at 13. Comes college. At college, I learnt how to be independent that it's ok to just be yourself and to stop pretending. I learn to love my ownself. I got to know myself more. I learn that there are people who will like me for being 'me' not because I'm conforming at what they want. I think that's the key; learn to love yourself and everything will follow.

  • 100% me.

  • When I disappointed someone my mind always say that " It's ok you don't always have to make he/sh/they feel satisfied and happy . You're are not their clowns or something...." But my heart say " you're useless, stupid and just a piece of shit" 😔😔

  • Holy crap this perfectly described my personality. I never knew how to put it to words but everything that they said in this video is true about me

    • Jean, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • yeah i grew up with parents who could not handle anything, like my mom was ragey one and my dad was realllly fragile and depressive. In relationships I'm either super distant and a user or become a people pleaser. But it takes a toll and I have to exit the relationship because it makes me really unhappy. But it made me good at business because it's super easy for me to tell what people want and give it to them because i instinctively know how customer perceives something. but yea very unhappy thing to do in personal relationships..my childhood was so emotionally extreme

  • I read the title as how to stop being a people.. I was immediately intrigued

  • This is how I was raised to be pleaser when I got scolded and dug up all my past shameful stuff and mistakes whenarguing w/parents. I feel I was programmed to obey all orders because of that xp that brought fear to my subconscious so I have more tendency to go along with anything people asked me to do...

    • Wiput, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • Lying out of fear. It's so understandable it should be common sense

  • I was having a big fight with my best friend the other day and the last thing she texted that I didn’t respond to was “You’re a people pleaser and you let people walk all over you sometimes.” At first, I didn’t know what “people pleaser” meant, so I decided not to look it up, but after a fews hours I let my urge take over me and looked it up. I was so surprised to see that I was in fact a people pleaser because of how many things I could relate, my best friend was right. I started to look back to my childhood to see how and why I became a people pleaser, and I think I know why, when I was little, my mom would always get mad at me when I did a simple mistake like dropping my cup of water on the table or crying because I hurt myself, so because of her, I was always scared of people yelling at me, I never actually talked back to my mom until it was my teenage years and that’s when she started to calm down her anger issues a bit, but when I was, I don’t know, around 8, I was introduced to a girl who I have been friends with until I was around 13 and she would always manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to and even though she was 3 years younger then me, I was scared of her, because of her also, I think I was still a people pleaser and still am a people pleaser. I’ve always been a people pleaser and gullible since I was small, I hated the idea of people not liking me, I have gotten better since I got to be best friends with a girl who taught me to speak my own feelings for a few years, but Its sad to know that I’m stall a people pleaser and now thanks to my best friend saying that I’m a people pleaser, ill try not to be for the sake of myself and others...

  • I have been a people pleaser to my own detriment. I figure if I have nothing to gain then I can't be morally bankrupt

    • Tyler, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • Literally had a panic attack because I kept saying "YES, I'll do it for you no problem" When in actuality I barely had time to even eat a decent meal. Even if I really really didn't want to do something I get bombarded by the thoughts of how disappointed they would feel. It is not as simple as just saying NO. Believe me I have tried. Their response : It would mean the world to me, you would be helping so many people , come on, sure you have time. etc. The consequence: Because I keep saying yes , they keep asking for more. Ugh I hate this cycle.

  • I've been very confused about being a people pleaser. Somehow one day I turned out to begin to consider other's feelings, more specifically seconding guessing??, and I am eager to change this habit as soon as such information striked me. Anyone know some ways??? Apart from that, what's the difference between being a people pleaser and being simply considerate?

    • Chris, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • Bonding with people has become very tricky in itself.Boundaries have become so hard to walk , peer pressure not wanting to hurt...the stakes keeps getting higher...not simple...if you are a caring person...if you are not(not overthinking more analytical person or cold).it's easier i guess

  • is being pleasant when a person really is saying "get lost" or sending thousands of quotes that require a simple and cold press of a digit (and nothing else) not a form of people pleasing and manipulation? Had the idea that the way we interact with people around is what makes is feel closer and intimate,a family and not strangers.....without having to lose ourselves completely... Maybe that's just oldfashioned and everyone lives on their own island in the end ...with their phones,troubles ,opinionsand telling ourselves that we don't need anything else...because trying desperately trying to fit in into a mold by mass influence ...not individuals anymore

  • I ❤️ school of life. Thank you ❤️

  • all of this info will get in a box ,stored in your brain . the more the box the mature you are . knowledge matter in life

  • I truly needed this video in my life. THANK YOU for all the helpful videos you create 🙏

  • this is an incredible video especially the last part is very genuine , thank you !

  • I wanted no conflict or letting people, friends, even acquaintances down. At first the effects were positive, they all became friendly towards me, I did and even when Im stressed I set myself aside just to help or be with them, until it started to be unfair, I felt that it was getting unfair, chances lost as I became like a reserve and I never get to speak up because of what will they think after? Im then easily angered and more so depressed on how Im the one who was unafair all this time, Im starting to open up, it felt a little better afterwards but its a slow process. This vid helped clear up and made me understand more on what a people pleaser is.

  • This is me. Growing up my dad had an explosive temper, although he was a great dad. Provided me with everything. I didn’t like his temper and how he responded no, and overreacted-so to my friends and work colleagues I’ve always tried to be the nice guy. I don’t like conflict.

  • when you are a people pleasr but noone n people arround you get used to that. its very hard for you to become a new one:) its hurt

  • Excellent video! 👏✔ applying, from the view point of this video, everybody (or almost everybody) is surrounded by liars. In other words, the pleaser is lying, and those being pleased too. Why? the pleaser lies because he does things that he doesn't feel like doing; and the one being pleased because he achieves his / her purposes by flattering or intimidation, but she doesn't feel a lil bit of empathy for his "servant." This one is, for him, just an object.

  • School of Life, can you offer advice on how to support a partner who has people-pleasing tendencies? I want to show up for him and support him on his growth path.

  • Just being yourself is what's best. Thank you for spreading wisdom.

  • I have been criticized by my mother for 25 years and recently I cut my relationship with her. I feel better and I became someone who wants ordinary life. But then I realized I have missed so many opportunities to connect with people and I am so resentful to my mother. I don’t have job and I am feeling depressed I might kill my mother.

  • People Pleaser = a lot of Stress . That's my experience..

    • enra, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • This is me in a nutshell. My mum found it very hard to deal with being challenged or disagreed with my whole childhood. Even though I'm now an adult, I still find it stressful disagreeing with people in case they blow up like she did. Its a challenge being an adult and still feeling this way, especially in the workplace where you need to assert your opinions and disagree with people sometimes!

  • until not to long ago you could easily add all the women in the people pleaser community based on the desired model.🤣🤣

  • So you are saying that this people who weren't loved by their creators, are looking for love by pleasing people and then they become resentful of the people they pleased because they were exploited?? please tell me this is not what you are saying! Huhh??

  • the very me that I hate

    • Malak, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • true and true.

  • Thank you for the video. We all have needs and it is important to meet our own needs too y'know. We all need balance in our lives. Please ourselves and others. If we please only ourselves, we become selfish. If we please only others and neglect ourselves, we become zombies inside.

  • Cuts too deep.

  • Animation is off topic lol looks like that LittlePrince Book....

  • Thank you guys!!! This was awesome! I really appreciate your efforts in helping the world!

  • can you please make a video on how to sound and speak like the school of life narrator?

  • Thank you

  • Some are people pleasers in order to feel loved. And some are people pleasers in order to manipulate

  • Yes I am...

  • I people please, to check where I stand in terms of new acquaintances. And then if I'm certain respect isn't reciprocal I make a note of it to never again. And then I'll people please one last time if its a group thing. I think a second chance, after someone's too popular ego has been given a chance to process is a final fair test.

  • Damn..this is true...I think this has been my biggest flaw for me..

    • I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

    • Phixiq,

  • Find Pilko 1:57

  • the best enlightenment lve ever heard.people pleasing makes you feel tired all the time and seem stupid to others.

  • My mom's fault again???!!!! It hurts to accuse her for everything. The difference is that she didn' t exploit me like all those people do .. That is something you didn' t mention ...that there are a lot of people who are seeking for victims and ...slaves in their lives and our kindness( which we were taught by our mother by the way...) didn't let us imagine how cruel people can be.. and we just can't say no ... Mom you made me a good person and a big liar!!!! I will try to become a bad person!!!

  • I'm A Person Pleaser There Is A Difference Long As We Got Each Other We Don't Need No One Else

  • lol

  • UGH THIS SHIT HIT ME HARD

    • Shane, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • I hate being a people pleaser!!! What kinds of personal strategies do you use to stop this?

    • Steven, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • Trying to please everyone will get you nowhere. Best to just be you.

  • This hit me hard......I've been breaking out of that cycle but watching this made me self reflect

    • ZAUCLIFF, I'm interviewing an elite group of people who are serious about personal development and I came across your profile and thought you'd be a perfect candidate to provide some feedback. One question: What are biggest problems you encounter in being a people pleaser daily? Your input is greatly appreciated and will help shape the program I'm developing to help people like you be successful. Thanks in advance, -Akaki Tsivadze

  • thank u for this video

  • This is so me!

  • But how can we fix it?

  • Be pleasant, without being a people pleaser. That's a great message... We can be frank, without being pushy or hurting other's feelings

  • I still get really upset seeing myself causing others unhappiness

  • I was always afriad of displeasing others and always put other's need before myself even going as far as sacrificing myself for other people's wish.This constant fear of not knowing if other is please with myself slowly develop into a ocd syndrome to which I still suffer from today but than I learned I will never be happy if I just ignore my needs to help some people that will just throw you aside once they have done using you up for their pleasure so DONT DONT DONT ever put others before you if it means sacrificing and damaging yourself in the process

  • ,,There are two kinds of pity. One, the weak and sentimental kind, which is really no more than the heart's impatience to be rid as quickly as possible of the painful emotion aroused by the sight of another's unhappiness, that pity which is not compassion, but only an instinctive desire to fortify one's own soul agains the sufferings of another; and the other, the only one at counts, the unsentimental but creative kind, which knows what it is about and is determined to hold out, in patience and forbearance, to the very limit of its strength and even beyond." -Stephan Zweig

  • I don't know what to say about this video. I would like to say that I 'm protective of myself, but in a way, I have so often felt like a "fraud" when I people please for self-gain, that I was more open to hearing what was being said. I think the person who wrote this - or approved of the writing - was lazily careless. "Liar" is a fear reaction to me, and seems very much out of place for a professional psychotherapist/counselor, if that's what this person is/trying to be. This term is not only vague and offensive, but it's irresponsibly used. According to this logic - and I use that term loosely here - one could say that we're all "liars" in that we use common manners when interacting with others because that is expected of congenial people in our modern culture. Do we really mean to convey respect toward people who behave like assholes, for example? No, but we do, if he/she is our university professor or employer. Of course! Are we "lying" for behaving the way we "should" to maintain a relationship conducive to our needs? Furthermore, the "tips" presented within are grossly over simplified! "Just stop doing it!" is basically the advice. Oh thanks for that profound wisdom, dumbass, why didn't I think of that?! Now I can go about the rest of my life presenting myself just as I am and be perfectly content within. It reminds me of a superficial pop-culture magazine article I'd read in the waiting room of a doctor's office.

  • The parent thing explains a lot. This hit me real hard

  • youre a genius man

  • It's me..

  • “Eat your over boiled Brussel sprouts...!”

    • Every night I was told... So I would eat to please parent and would vomit. Even worse outcome. So that’s how a people pleaser grew out of overboiled smelly Brussel Sprouts.

  • I was never a person pleaser, but I've always been a liar

  • As long as you work for others, you will always be a people-pleaser. Perhaps there is something unconsciously arrogant about it too. We assume that our verdict on something, or our appearance at a social event, has some significance for those involved; but in reality, after 5 mins they'll have completely forgotten.

  • Sorry to post this again here, but I originally planned to post it on this video as it fits the theme. "This video hit close to home. Yesterday I began to write about my past,I wrote up a page and a half. I will tell my story and what I wanted to cover here, as I deleted everything today and dont think I will continue to write it. The book was originally meant to revolve around my experience with a "bully" at school. In my high school years, I was being bullied by him, but also fell into a friendship with him. That is to say, he was a gaslighter and I think either a narcissist or a psychopath. I experienced kind of a stockholm syndrome and how I wasnt able to get out of this situation namely because I didnt see a way out, was a people pleaser, and thought I could endure it until I get out of school. In the book I wanted to write about his psyche, his methods, as I experienced them, and all from a distanced perspective, describing what I had been experiencing. Also exploring the origins why I was "accepting my role" from a psychological point and what were the results/consequences of this (I think i have "selbstunsicher-vermeidende Persönlichkeitsstörung"- in german) in a phenomenological way which means what pathological behavior or feelings I experienced as a direct or indirect consequence. But as I said, today I deleted it, I realized that in order to do it correctly I needed to write my entire backstory from a detached point of view, which is contradictory since i can only write from my point of view. I dont know if I want to do it. Who would read it ? Would self reflection help me or is scratching the wounds unhealthy ? Why am I not focusing on the important things, on studying, and let myself be influenced by pathological aspects of my past ? Thats why I deleted it. Furthermore, I dont have anything new to say. Everything that happened to me can be read on fucking wikipedia, and im not a particularly skillful writer. There is too much to say and too little fucks are to give, everybody has his problems. But one aspect which I strongly feel about is this: When people do me wrong, I dont condemn them, because I understand their suffering. Because I understand their suffering and love them, I dont want to hurt them and dont act. If you get gaslighted, you are being conditioned to fear a consequence from your actions. It is a learning process. So in that way, I am afraid, I learned to be afraid, I learned to be silent, I learned not to talk about my problems and sufferings. Iearned not to say fuck you life. That is why I wanted to write the book, in order to be free of this pathological thought pattern, in order to talk about it and share with people. Maybe its just better to let go and focus on science."

  • I dealt with it with someone who told me to like me for something in their interest like they will like me at first then a year or a half year ago they rejected for no explanation it hurts makes me think every now and then they like me a lot then not long after they make me feel like they don’t like me but I don’t know why I am too scared to leave them because they say we like you too much please don’t leave that’s how I feel

  • What do you do when the person you're with threatens to kill herself if you leave talk about guilt trip 101

  • i realize i am a people pleaser. i have always constrained what i wanted to say for fear that i might insult or said something negative to someone else. so i have been the quiet one. but i realized people that i tried to please by being nice and not saying much saw me as some sort of prideful arrogant bitch. it doesnt matter what you do people will dislike you and thats inevitable. might as well be yourself

  • I can’t thank you enough for what you have taught me, The School Of Life

  • Excuse me ... could I know the name of the narrator because I think he is my vocal twin !! soundcloud.com/amr-adel-60674746/narration

  • Watching this video was like looking at myself in the mirror. From not being able to express myself when I got in trouble by my father, to not wanting my parents to always fight and ease the tension in the house to going the extra mile at work even though it wasn’t my responsibility to do so. I would eventually blow up or build up a lot of resentment and feel horrible. I now have some kind of understanding how not to be a people pleaser at the age of 40!

  • I'm definitely a people pleaser. I hate myself and want to die every single day. I'm terrified of letting people down. I always find myself in awkward situations with most people I meet because I just follow along despite my reservations with whatever anyone wants. I fail at conversation because I'm always afraid I won't respond exactly in the way that will impress someone the most. I'm always in trouble socially, some how, trying to save face. Pushing people away is my special talent despite my pathological need to please them. No matter my awareness of the problem, I just can't stop this behavior. It's happens naturally and fluently. I'm depressed, anxiety ridden, suicidal, and lonely. It sucks. I wish I could stop being like this.

  • Wow! That was exacly my childhood.

  • But, it's too late.